seemingly deep

by Dakoda "Puddle" Star

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1.
manic attack 02:16
Why am I so nervous right now there's a tightness in my chest? It really makes no fucking sense how I haven't even been depressed and I've been fine for like a month and I have grown a ton I've been okay for 30 days I've gotten so much done And yet I'm shaking where I sit with my breakfast I'm in a panic and it's stuck in my chest I've done nothing for an hour and I'm falling apart I don't even know whats got me so stressed Cause I'd been fine for like 4 weeks And I was so damn prideful I've been okay for 30 days but now I see a cycle Cause I got used to constantly working it's a distraction from the thing that I hate sitting static seeing static on all of the walls and feeling anxious while I'm stuck in this state I'll be okay. Just gotta breathe and I'll be alright I'm not okay and I can't breathe and my chest's so tight I have no time and I might die regretting everything I've gotta try or they'll ask why I had been crying I'm surrounded by people who love me And I know that they are trying their best but I know it must be hard on them every time to see me when I get depressed I am okay, no no i'm fine I'll get through this alone I'll be alright I love you too I'm fine when on my own I am okay Things are okay I love you too, I'm fine I am okay, things are okay I promise you this time
2.
coffee 02:58
Unlike the rest around me I was never one to enjoy the taste of coffee how it lingered on my tongue But now it's just so different And I'd say it's almost sweet Maybe all the bitter things I've said somehow caught up to me Maybe I'm accomodating trying to keep up cause things keep going wrong so I grab another cup could have sworn I was made of tougher stuff It's like the pages turn on their own and I can't read fast enough and before I know it, the book might end I've got nothing show for all the time I'd spend doing nothing but moping and secretly hoping that someday I would be okay doing nothing but pining for that silver lining that someday I would be okay Unlike the rest around me I was never one to extend an invitation to go out or have fun And I'm hoping that that changes Because just waiting around Has made me like a character stuck in the background Maybe I'm invalidating (when I say I feel alone) those who would be there for me if I'd just pick up the phone it's like everyone's made of tougher stuff handling their problems and I'm not mature enough and before I know it, the book might end and from all of my complaining I'd lose every single friend from nothing but whining and always declining when offered to join everyone from thinking their invite would be something that might cause them to think I'm a burden Just like everyone around me I'm caught up in my insecurities and a need for thicker skin We're hoping to get better and trying to improve thinking everyone around is judging our every move it's kinda liberating 'cause even though i'm sad if everyone's alone together it can't be that bad it's like everyone around is left just as bruised from falling on their faces equally as confused and before you know it, the book might end but ya might as well enjoy the turning pages ahead cause I've got time for these trials and chances for piles of stories I'm eager to tell tho it sounds juvenile I can't help but smile Cause I think that I'm doing well Cause yea I can cry but it's wrong to imply that I will not find my way Cause I think that I'll be okay I think I'm doing okay Cause someday I will be okay
3.
stability 02:27
I want strangers to be much nicer to me and not glare when I pass by because I'm fat and tall and confusing I want stability And I want positivity I want things just to be okay But mostly I just want some fucking money It's easy / to wish I didn't feel like garbage but it's hard when your value is determined by a sense of revenue I want tranquility but I lack the ability to shut my mouth and cherish the peace without thinking someone's out to get me And I know I don't need money happy can't be measured in stuff money can't buy happiness but stability is close enough I want people to see what my art means to me And that putting shit behind a pay wall would lose views and be totally crappy While money would be something I'd love and cashing in I'm not above I couldn't forgive myself if I made a bunch of shit I couldn't be proud of It's easy to think you could solve all my problems but if you could butt out please that would be fucking awesome. It's easy / to wish I didn't feel like garbage but it's hard when your value is determined by a sense of revenue yeah it's shit
4.
dysphoria 02:19
I've read dissociating is just a part of healing but it's so hard to focus seeing static on the ceiling I've wished I could start over and take everything down cause maybe I'd do better on the second time around I've read dissociating is just a part of coping and spacing out like this is something that I have been hoping I can be free of so I won't feel quite as dizzy cause maybe I can fight it if I just keep myself busy I admit a lot of the time I want to stop and disappear from all the ways I expected I would grow Archiving all of my memories has really made it clear how different I am from 5 years ago I've read dysphoria is just a part of being unaligned with what I'm assigned as long as my heart's beating I've wished I could start over, introduce myself anew and my pronoun change wouldn't be as hard for you I admit a lot of the time I want to stop and disappear from all the ways I expected I would grow Archiving all of my memories has really made it clear how different I am from 5 years ago I've read dysphoria is something to expect a body like mine won't align and I just can't connect the dots between my sense of self and the person that you see I'm having trouble feeling like I'm me I'm having trouble feeling like I'm me
5.
I'm not great at writing songs music is too hard for me I rely on just four chords I can't play the ukulele I'm an artist, so I say Practice every single day I must admit that isn't true but understand my point of view Since childhood they promised me No matter what, that I could be capable and would achieve anything that I believe Doot , doodle do dat doot, Cuz I can't write songs I didn't think this far ahead Doot , doodle do dat doot, I just picked four chords And these lyrics are just blog posts Do your best and you'll succeed You can do it if you try Don't do drugs and always read Never let them see you cry In my twenties now I get Anxieties and looming debt But if I can stay positive I probably won't get audited Doot , doodle do dat doot, Are these even words? I had trouble writing them down Doot , doodle do dat doot, I think I'm okay but I should probably see a doctor Get a job to buy a car You need a car to get to work Where you can be underpaid To stand around as a store clerk and it's so hard to be alright when you can't get to sleep at night hung up on your stupid past the times you've been mocked and harassed Wasted time and cash I spend This song has no uplifting end Stash your anger on the shelf and maybe try to love yourself Doot , doodle do dat doot, hey check it out? I got through this without crying Doot , doodle do dat doot, I wrote this song so I won't think about dying Doot , doodle do dat doot, because I picked these chords this doesn't sound like a red flag Doot , doodle do dat doot, using music to cope really isn't that bad
6.
everyone keeps telling me it's normal dwellinG on the things I never said and everyone insists it isn't healthy in the slightest but i cant get your voice out of my head you were waiting on me i never called and im sorry for that you were waiting or not i still dont know but now i can't go back everyone who i thought once disliked you recollects a different memory and everyone around me says I couldn't have known but the time slipped faster than I could have seen now i'm thinking about you like I had each week since I was 12 years old so much was changing for you and i guess me too i should have picked up the phone everyone keeps telling me I'm okay And if I need to cry then I'm allowed I never knew the person you managed to be if you knew who i'd become would you be proud? but would you want me calling you after 10 years I couldn't have known the silence between us two created tension I feared I couldn't cut through but ive missed you
7.
everyone keeps telling me it's normal dwellinG on the things I never said and everyone insists it isn't healthy in the slightest but i cant get your voice out of my head you were waiting on me i never called and im sorry for that you were waiting or not i still dont know but now i can't go back everyone who i thought once disliked you recollects a different memory and everyone around me says I couldn't have known but the time slipped faster than I could have seen now i'm thinking about you like I had each week since I was 12 years old so much was changing for you and i guess me too i should have picked up the phone everyone keeps telling me I'm okay And if I need to cry then I'm allowed I never knew the person you managed to be if you knew who i'd become would you be proud? but would you want me calling you after 10 years I couldn't have known the silence between us two created tension I feared I couldn't cut through but ive missed you
8.
I'm not good at writing songs and music is too hard for me I rely on just four chords I can't play the ukulele I'm an artist, so I say I practice every single day I must admit that isn't true but understand my point of view Since childhood they promised me No matter what, that I could be capable and would achieve anything that I believe Doot , doodle do dat doot, Cuz I can't write songs And a chorus would be too hard Doot , doodle do dat doot, I just picked four chords And these lyrics are just blog posts Do your best and you'll succeed Don't do drugs and always read You can do it if you try Never let them see you cry In my twenties now I get Anxieties and looming debt But if I can stay positive I probably won't get audited Doot , doodle do dat doot, Are these even words? I had trouble writing them down Doot , doodle do dat doot, I think I'm okay but I should probably see a doctor Get a job to buy a car You need a car to get to work Where you can be underpaid To stand around as a store clerk and it's so hard to be alright when you can't get to sleep at night hung up on your stupid past the times you've been mocked and harassed Despite all the time I could spend This song has no uplifting end Stash your anger on the shelf and maybe try to love yourself Doot , doodle do dat doot, hey can ya check it out? I got through this without crying Doot , doodle do dat doot, I used music ot cope so I won't think about dying Doot , doodle do dat doot, because I picked these chords this doesn't sound like a red flag Doot , doodle do dat doot, using music to cope really isn't that bad

about

Coping coping coping. Seemingly deep and a little reflective. but still pretty much a shallow mess.

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released August 12, 2016

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Dakoda "Puddle" Star Irvine, California

I make sounds.

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