seemingly deep

by Dakoda "Puddle" Star

/
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about

Coping coping coping. Seemingly deep and a little reflective. but still pretty much a shallow mess.

credits

released August 12, 2016

license

all rights reserved

tags

about

Dakoda "Puddle" Star Irvine, California

I make sounds.

contact / help

Contact Dakoda "Puddle" Star

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Track Name: manic attack
Why am I so nervous right now
there's a tightness in my chest?
It really makes no fucking sense how
I haven't even been depressed

and I've been fine
for like a month
and I have grown a ton

I've been okay
for 30 days
I've gotten so much done

And yet I'm shaking where I sit with my breakfast
I'm in a panic and it's stuck in my chest
I've done nothing for an hour and I'm falling apart
I don't even know whats got me so stressed

Cause I'd been fine
for like 4 weeks
And I was so damn prideful

I've been okay
for 30 days
but now I see a cycle

Cause I got used to constantly working it's
a distraction from the thing that I hate
sitting static seeing static on all of the walls
and feeling anxious while I'm stuck in this state

I'll be okay.
Just gotta breathe
and I'll be alright

I'm not okay
and I can't breathe
and my chest's so tight

I have no time
and I might die
regretting everything

I've gotta try
or they'll ask why
I had been crying

I'm surrounded by people who love me
And I know that they are trying their best
but I know it must be hard on them every time
to see me when I get depressed

I am okay,
no no i'm fine
I'll get through this alone

I'll be alright
I love you too
I'm fine when on my own

I am okay
Things are okay
I love you too, I'm fine

I am okay,
things are okay
I promise you this time
Track Name: coffee
Unlike the rest around me
I was never one
to enjoy the taste of coffee
how it lingered on my tongue

But now it's just so different
And I'd say it's almost sweet
Maybe all the bitter things I've said
somehow caught up to me

Maybe I'm accomodating
trying to keep up
cause things keep going wrong
so I grab another cup

could have sworn I was made
of tougher stuff
It's like the pages turn on their own
and I can't read fast enough

and before I know it,
the book might end
I've got nothing show for all
the time I'd spend

doing nothing but moping and secretly hoping that someday I would be okay
doing nothing but pining for that silver lining that someday I would be okay

Unlike the rest around me
I was never one
to extend an invitation
to go out or have fun

And I'm hoping that that changes
Because just waiting around
Has made me like a character
stuck in the background

Maybe I'm invalidating
(when I say I feel alone)
those who would be there for me
if I'd just pick up the phone

it's like everyone's made
of tougher stuff
handling their problems and
I'm not mature enough

and before I know it,
the book might end
and from all of my complaining I'd
lose every single friend

from nothing but whining and always declining when offered to join everyone
from thinking their invite would be something that might cause them to think I'm a burden

Just like everyone around me
I'm caught up in
my insecurities and
a need for thicker skin

We're hoping to get better
and trying to improve
thinking everyone around
is judging our every move

it's kinda liberating
'cause even though i'm sad
if everyone's alone together
it can't be that bad

it's like everyone around
is left just as bruised
from falling on their faces
equally as confused

and before you know it,
the book might end
but ya might as well enjoy the
turning pages ahead

cause I've got time for these trials and chances for piles of stories I'm eager to tell
tho it sounds juvenile I can't help but smile Cause I think that I'm doing well

Cause yea I can cry
but it's wrong to imply
that I will not find my way

Cause I think that I'll be okay
I think I'm doing okay
Cause someday I will be okay
Track Name: stability
I want strangers to be
much nicer to me
and not glare when I pass by
because I'm fat and tall and confusing

I want stability
And I want positivity
I want things just to be okay
But mostly I just want some fucking money

It's easy / to wish
I didn't feel like garbage
but it's hard
when your value
is determined by a sense of revenue

I want tranquility
but I lack the ability
to shut my mouth and cherish the peace
without thinking someone's out to get me

And I know I don't need money
happy can't be measured in stuff
money can't buy happiness
but stability is close enough

I want people to see
what my art means to me
And that putting shit behind a pay wall
would lose views and be totally crappy

While money would be something I'd love
and cashing in I'm not above
I couldn't forgive myself if I made
a bunch of shit I couldn't be proud of

It's easy to think
you could solve all my problems
but if you
could butt out please
that would be fucking awesome.

It's easy / to wish
I didn't feel like garbage
but it's hard
when your value
is determined by a sense of revenue
yeah it's shit
Track Name: dysphoria
I've read dissociating is just a part of healing
but it's so hard to focus seeing static on the ceiling
I've wished I could start over and take everything down
cause maybe I'd do better on the second time around

I've read dissociating is just a part of coping
and spacing out like this is something that I have been hoping
I can be free of so I won't feel quite as dizzy
cause maybe I can fight it if I just keep myself busy

I admit a lot of the time I want to stop and disappear
from all the ways I expected I would grow
Archiving all of my memories has really made it clear
how different I am from 5 years ago

I've read dysphoria is just a part of being
unaligned with what I'm assigned as long as my heart's beating
I've wished I could start over, introduce myself anew
and my pronoun change wouldn't be as hard for you

I admit a lot of the time I want to stop and disappear
from all the ways I expected I would grow
Archiving all of my memories has really made it clear
how different I am from 5 years ago

I've read dysphoria is something to expect
a body like mine won't align and I just can't connect
the dots between my sense of self and the person that you see
I'm having trouble feeling like I'm me
I'm having trouble feeling like I'm me
Track Name: the happy song
I'm not great at writing songs
music is too hard for me
I rely on just four chords
I can't play the ukulele

I'm an artist, so I say
Practice every single day
I must admit that isn't true
but understand my point of view

Since childhood they promised me
No matter what, that I could be
capable and would achieve
anything that I believe

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
Cuz I can't write songs
I didn't think this far ahead
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I just picked four chords
And these lyrics are just blog posts

Do your best and you'll succeed
You can do it if you try
Don't do drugs and always read
Never let them see you cry

In my twenties now I get
Anxieties and looming debt
But if I can stay positive
I probably won't get audited

Doot , doodle do dat doot, Are these even words?
I had trouble writing them down
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I think I'm okay but I should probably see a doctor

Get a job to buy a car
You need a car to get to work
Where you can be underpaid
To stand around as a store clerk

and it's so hard to be alright
when you can't get to sleep at night
hung up on your stupid past
the times you've been mocked and harassed

Wasted time and cash I spend
This song has no uplifting end
Stash your anger on the shelf
and maybe try to love yourself

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
hey check it out?
I got through this without crying
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I wrote this song so I won't think about dying

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
because I picked these chords
this doesn't sound like a red flag
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
using music to cope really isn't that bad
Track Name: still sad (about mom)
everyone keeps telling me it's normal
dwellinG on the things I never said
and everyone insists it isn't healthy in the slightest
but i cant get your voice out of my head

you were waiting
on me
i never called
and im sorry for that

you were waiting
or not
i still dont know
but now i can't go back

everyone who i thought once disliked you
recollects a different memory
and everyone around me says I couldn't have known
but the time slipped faster than I could have seen

now i'm thinking
about you
like I had each week
since I was 12 years old

so much was changing
for you
and i guess me too
i should have picked up the phone

everyone keeps telling me I'm okay
And if I need to cry then I'm allowed
I never knew the person you managed to be
if you knew who i'd become would you be proud?

but would you want me
calling you
after 10 years
I couldn't have known

the silence between
us two
created tension
I feared I couldn't cut through

but ive missed you
Track Name: still sad about mom (demo)
everyone keeps telling me it's normal
dwellinG on the things I never said
and everyone insists it isn't healthy in the slightest
but i cant get your voice out of my head

you were waiting
on me
i never called
and im sorry for that

you were waiting
or not
i still dont know
but now i can't go back

everyone who i thought once disliked you
recollects a different memory
and everyone around me says I couldn't have known
but the time slipped faster than I could have seen

now i'm thinking
about you
like I had each week
since I was 12 years old

so much was changing
for you
and i guess me too
i should have picked up the phone

everyone keeps telling me I'm okay
And if I need to cry then I'm allowed
I never knew the person you managed to be
if you knew who i'd become would you be proud?

but would you want me
calling you
after 10 years
I couldn't have known

the silence between
us two
created tension
I feared I couldn't cut through

but ive missed you
Track Name: the happy song (demo)
I'm not good at writing songs and
music is too hard for me
I rely on just four chords
I can't play the ukulele

I'm an artist, so I say
I practice every single day
I must admit that isn't true
but understand my point of view

Since childhood they promised me
No matter what, that I could be
capable and would achieve
anything that I believe

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
Cuz I can't write songs
And a chorus would be too hard
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I just picked four chords
And these lyrics are just blog posts

Do your best and you'll succeed
Don't do drugs and always read
You can do it if you try
Never let them see you cry

In my twenties now I get
Anxieties and looming debt
But if I can stay positive
I probably won't get audited

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
Are these even words?
I had trouble writing them down
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I think I'm okay but I should probably see a doctor

Get a job to buy a car
You need a car to get to work
Where you can be underpaid
To stand around as a store clerk

and it's so hard to be alright
when you can't get to sleep at night
hung up on your stupid past
the times you've been mocked and harassed

Despite all the time I could spend
This song has no uplifting end
Stash your anger on the shelf
and maybe try to love yourself

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
hey can ya check it out?
I got through this without crying
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
I used music ot cope so I won't think about dying

Doot , doodle do dat doot,
because I picked these chords
this doesn't sound like a red flag
Doot , doodle do dat doot,
using music to cope really isn't that bad

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